7 comments on “Struggle for stillness I do, am I ergo.

  1. I don’t see your comment there (so maybe it got deleted) but I also don’t see anywhere in his post or the point of the Twitter party saying “you MUST stim in order to be considered autistic!”

    I bite my nails – I have for as long as I can remember and I have never been able to stop. That is my stim. When I have managed to stop myself for short periods, I do other things like pull my hair out. Biting nails is much more socially acceptable than pulling out hair. Especially as a woman.
    I was hit, shamed and abused by my parents for biting my nails. I want a different world for my son. I want him to bite his nails or flap or whatever he needs to do to feel calm and happy be accepted. I don’t want him to feel shame for doing something that, most importantly, doesn’t hurt anyone else. That’s what the point of celebrating the stim is all about.

    • I am a man of many peculiar reactions and unspoken inferences. And one of the problems with the whole “you must throw yourself around like you are convulsing to be autistic” movement that has sprung up lately is that theirs is an unspoken implication. A bad one, at that. For one thing, the manner in which they promote it, pervasively and without consideration that it may be untrue in some or even many cases, can have harmful implications who do not fit it. I believe I made that fairly clear in the original text. There are people around the world who have not completely recovered from Rain Man being considered the whole and sole of the autistic. Which is where I am coming from when I say this new stereotyping is as bad as that.

      And I beg your pardon, but I also bite my nails. I do not bite them as a nice, happy thing. I have bitten them, pulled them out, and in two cases torn them out so completely and often that they do not grow properly anymore (the two biggest toes). Right now, I am suffering very much from an ingrown thumbnail that has pushed the inside of the skin to one side of my thumbnail out far enough that even typing can at times be quite painful. It bleeds pus and blood quite regularly at the moment. So much so that I can go to bed with a completely clean thumb and wake up with the side caked in pus. This is not the result of any positive process, but rather looking at the edges of my nails and seeing enough dirt under them that I just end up thinking what the hell and bite off the edge. Often going a wee bit far in the process. I will post a picture of this thumbnail in good time so it may be seen what I am talking about.

      Upper left corner of image contains an infected thumbnail. Nail bed has protroded from under superficial skin layer, result is quite painful and prone to infection.

      As you can see here, my camera does not focus well on individual fingers (a problem I am desperately trying to understand). But what you see on the right side of that thumb is where the subcutaneous layer of the nail bed has literally risen out from under the skin in response to the way the nail has sunk in. This is very painful, very prone to infection, and can cause the thumb to flare up in pain at the most basic daily tasks. I have had this nervous tic of biting my nails for most, if not all, of my life. Whilst I have learned to cope with it, it is days like today (and the five preceding) when I would give anything to not feel compelled to do it every time I see dirt under the edge of a nail, or at any time.

      It is one thing to celebrate something. The late G.G. Allin once recorded a song that could be presumed to be a celebration of pedophilia, for example. But he was very careful to narrow and compartmentalise the focus of the song in question, making his rather transgressive lyrics in that song refer to himself and himself only (“I’m a pervert, it’s okay” for instance). That is where the whole “celebrate the stimmy stim stim!” argument falls flat on its arse. Not only is the presumptuous presumption that “everyone who is autistic does it” sorely mistaken, the belief that it is a 100% positive thing 100% of the time is flat-out wrong.

      I am uncertain of which I am more outraged by at this juncture, to be brutally honest. I am painfully aware of every movement in my body (with the exception of the muscles in my face, which are curiously numb and were so even before the skin cancer removal), and painfully aware that I do not want every twitch or breath I take to be questioned by every normie on the fukking block. Nor any passive autie who wants me to promote their autism stereotype in spite of the risk it entails to both myself and future generations. I am also not amused by the thought that anyone out there thinks that the way my body can jerk and twitch at just the wrong moments in an emergency as to render me unable to get to what is needed in order to alleviate said emergency is anything to celebrate. There is a nose in my arsehole, one with a microscope and telescope strapped to it, and I want it gone. As long as these people continue to promote “we are the whole and sole of autism, end of” in this Rain Man-istic way, that will never happen.

      And that is not acceptable.

  2. Well, I get the anger now. Thanks for explaining.

    But I still don’t think that gives you the right to use such incredibly hostile language towards people who do have stereotypies. On their own blog, no less. They have just as much right to talk about their stims in a positive way as you have the right to talk about yours in a negative way. You have no right to push your own negative way of thinking onto people about their own stims, though. And that’s what you did on Ben’s blog by calling it “being electrocuted”, “the involuntary breakdance”, and other derogatory phrases. So you’re doing the exact same thing you’re accusing him of. Telling others how to act.

    • I think you are confused about the phrasings and manner I use in my journal. The entire journal is founded upon an idea, specifically, the felt need to provide one non-mainstreamist, aka passive, view of autistic civil rights and how they best be defended. It entirely consists of my perspective because I feel my perspective is one constantly left out when the passives gather around their little table.

      What goes into what I write is not intended to be a thoughtful, gentle discussion of other people (unless these people have done something worthy of that, for example Paul Verhoeven). Most basic psychologist training begins with the precept that time after time, the hierarchy of the Human thought process is that intellect is second to emotions. What goes in here is about my emotions and how they react to certain stimuli. In this article’s case, the published article that it is in response to, and will likely get far more people reading it and thinking it the biggest dollop of wisdom since Einstein was a boy. My references to one of my own unpublished characters, Kronisk, and his ability to make people feel so uncomfortable within their own skin that they end up ripping it off, are there for a reason. They are a poetic-ised description of how articles like that one make me feel on a very base and fundamental level. I am sorry if that makes people uncomfortable, but my right to feel comfortable in my own skin has been ignored for far too long and I will do more than write venomous statements in order to assert it.

      None of this would be necessary if the mainstream autistic movement would do away with the stereotypical image of the autistic they promote (often allowing it to be co-opted by so-called “geek culture” in the process) and focus on a “many, of different types” image. The number of posts I have dedicated to pieces of mainstream culture that, by accident, portray the autistic more effectively and empoweringly than the media the stereotypists want to thrust on us (eg Big Stereotype Theory) confirms this much. The movement is stuck in a perpetual infancy because it refuses to move beyond a stereotypical image. There is more variety between the X-Men that were included in the first real X-Men film than in the way the autistic mainstream “culture” promotes us all.

      I have a very big problem with that. So should everyone else on the spectrum, frankly.

      • I agree that you should write on your journal in any way you damn well please. What I take umbrage with is you perpetuating negative stereotypes in someone else’s space, just because they choose to be positive about their own stims.

        • I am not sure exactly where I am even referring to or using stereotypes. I am trying to voice an objection to a stereotype that has been put in place and, although intended for positive purposes, is having decidedly negative effects upon some.

          The word “stim” is enough to make my skin crawl. Its sound is really quite disturbing to me. It is one that got thrust in my face so often and at a very bad time, that I find its pushing as if it is a requirement of being autistic quite abhorrent. The mainstreams need to get over the fact that just because you are autistic does not mean you stimmy stim stim, and nor should you be expected to. Spending one’s time in a prison or boot camp, having every movement known or otherwise in one’s person scrutinised to the point where one is constantly trying to imitate others’ movements just to please them, is a good way to understand why. That is a very watered-down description of what my school years were like. So if you are upset by my offense at the expectation that everyone on the spectrum wave their hands about like they just do not care or whatever, tough.

          • Quote: “I find its pushing as if it is a requirement of being autistic quite abhorrent.”

            This is where I have to defer to your experience because I simply have not had that experience myself. If you have the time and energy, I would love for you to link me to those who have made those claims so I can be better informed (and then maybe make my own post about it all).

            One more interesting point: it’s not just Autistic people who self-stimulate. Most NTs do also and they don’t even realize it. I think part of the point of the other post is to educate people on the fact most people have some sort of repetitive action they do without thinking and it’s totally ok. The point is not whether you do, it’s just if you do, you don’t have to be ashamed of it.

Chuck shit at me here

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